- Click here to view the Rainbows Separation & Divorce Program Guide for Primary Children
- Click here to view the Rainbows Separation & Divorce Program Guide for Second Level age groups
For most families, parental separation, divorce and relationship breakdown between parents can have a significant impact on the family unit and in particular children and young people.
Children grow and develop within the security, familiarity and routines of their family life. When the family changes following parents separating, divorcing or the relationship breaking down they can struggle with many difficult emotions and feelings as they try to begin to make sense of what is happening to their family.
We know from the work we do that many children and young people over time adapt and cope to the changes within the family most especially:
- If both parents together explain what is happening and what is happening in a calm, measured and reassuring manner, often, over and over again as their children ask questions and begin to understand the implications of the decision in their lives.
- If both parents separately can maintain a loving, stable, secure base for their children through shared or co-parenting arrangements that is focussed on the often changing and developing needs of children as they grow and develop.
We are also acutely aware that for many separating/divorcing parents that the process for them is complicated, conflicted and compounded by significant issues and key factors.
At the core and heart of Rainbows, is a passion to support your child and young person through the process of family change and transition resulting from parental separation and divorce.
Rainbows Ireland respects at all times the importance and significance of both parents in their children’s lives following parental separation, divorce and /or relationship breakdown.
Rainbows Ireland makes every possible effort to be inclusive of both parents in the Rainbows support processes.
The following information seeks to build awareness of the possible impact of family change and transition following parental separation, divorce or relationship breakdown for n a child /young person. The information is very much focussed on what we have experienced from the voices of children and young people down through the years.
We know that children and young people generally assume that their family will always stay the same. The decision then, that has to be taken to separate can lead to a wide range of feelings and emotions, all very common and to be expected in the face of family change.
Those feelings and emotions can be very dependent on a child’s age and stage of development.
A heartfelt message to each Parent, separated or divorced:
Each separated or divorced parent is the main support for their child/young person experiencing a family change following separation or divorce. Grief and loss is part of the life experience – seeking external or professional support in the immediate aftermath is generally not necessary or required.
What is significant that a child/young person has the support and care of their key adults in the aftermath of a parental separation or divorce.
Each parent, in the time you spend with your child/young person, connecting in and building on your relationship with your child/young person is the most normal, natural and caring way to support your child /young person at a very difficult time for you all.
Being there for them emotionally and psychologically, sensing and tuning in to their feelings and emotions as they navigate and adjust to the transition of the family changes.
For all children and young people, it can be so supportive when they can move from Mam’s time to Dads time and vice versa without
- any negative feelings or hostile comments in relation to either parent /situation
- being questioned or having to be accountable on their return
- being told that the parent will be very sad and lonely while they are gone
It can be so helpful and positive for a child/young person to move from Mam’s time to Dad’s and Dad’s time to Mam’s time with both parent’s permission, support and understanding that children and young people generally love both parents and that their time with both parents separately is precious and needs to be free from tension, guilt, blame or negativity. Thus creating an environment for children and young people to adjust and adapt positively and effectively.
A child’s/young person’s age and stage of development is a key factor in how children and young people respond and react to parental separation and divorce. While every child and young person reacts differently, there are some general responses and reactions that can be helpful to be aware of. See below.
A key issue to be aware of also is that as a child and young person grows and develops, they can have new insights, understanding and feelings in relation to the separation /divorce – even if they occurred several years ago. As children get older and move through the developmental stages their understanding of what has happened deepens. This can mean that they can revisit the separation/divorce as if it just occurred and often experience a renewed sense of loss with many questions and very often deep and difficult feelings. This can be particularly confusing and worrying for parents and guardians It can be helpful to understand that grief and loss can impact at many different ages and stages across the life span especially for children and young people.
Note: This is a general indication only and cannot be considered specific to each child.
The following are some common responses to parental separation and divorce at different ages
Remember, not all of these will be experienced by all children or young people
Young children: Early Primary: Junior /Senior Infants
Younger children can be very confused. They most likely will not have an understanding of the words or the understanding of parental separation, divorce or a relationship breakdown. However, it is important to stress that this does not mean they are not impacted – that they do feel the continued absence of both their parents together and the subsequent changes in their family routines.
Confusion: Often, not expressed as young children do not have the words or expressive language
- What does the word separating mean?
- Who is going to mind me/bring me to school/swimming/football? etc .
- What is happening?
Young children’s understanding of the world not yet developed, so they can think:
- If my parents stop loving each other, will they stop loving me?
- If they loved me, they would not be doing this?
- Am I not important to them?
- When will they get back together? Younger children believe in magic and can assume that parents will get back together – they do not yet understand the concept of permanence.
Middle Primary: 2nd – 4th Class
Beginning to have more understanding of the reality of separation/divorce.
However, more difficult feelings can emerge:
- Can feel different from peers ,often hiding what has happened form their peers/friends/classmates
- Can feel caught in the middle between parents – especially if they are being asked questions by one parent about the other parent or asked to communicate messages from one to the other
- Can feel guilty and that they are to blame – e.g. “If I had cleaned my room, not been fighting with my brother/sister” – this would not have happened
- Can be anxious and worry – their sense of security and trust in the routine of their day to day life can be shaken
- Can still wish and hope that parents will get back together.
Older Primary: 4th – 6th Class /early teens: 11-14 years
- The reality of the separation /divorce/family change generally is more clearly felt and understood.
- Can experience more intense and stronger feelings, often more complex and conflicted.
- Can take on the role of a parent
- Can feel torn between their parents – have divided and changing loyalties.
- Can find it very hard to accept the separation/divorce
Young people/ Teens/Teenagers:
Generally, they have a more mature understanding of parental separation/divorce but that does not mean that they are not impacted by the change in their family.
For teenagers, it is a time of great physical, emotional and psychological change . They are in transition from childhood to adulthood – all very natural and part of their development.
- However, teenagers can be very shaken by parental separation/divorce occurring at a time when they themselves are trying to develop their own personnel identity, their own autonomy and their independence from parents and family - be grown up
- Their relationship with peers is becoming very important - a high need to fit in and be the same as others
- They can be highly sensitive and experience their feelings very intensely often resulting in not speaking to or withdrawing from one or both parents and/or taking sides or voicing opinions and judgements about the situation, which can be upsetting for parents
- Others can take on adult roles and responsibilities beyond their years – often minding or protecting a parent or siblings.
Children unlike adults, can only deal with difficult feelings in short spurts, in moments of intense feelings of sadness and upset. Children and young people cannot cope with difficult feelings over long time periods – as adults do.
They move in and out of those intense difficult feelings for short periods and then they carry on with their everyday activities as if nothing has happened. These moments can be sudden and unexpected, very often when a child/young person is tired, hungry or overwhelmed by a situation. This is very common and to be expected but can often be misunderstood and misinterpreted as something being very wrong. When this is met with insight and understanding, it can be very supportive moment for a child, young person and parent/caregiver.
Key message: The impact of parental separation, divorce or relationship breakdown can have a range of physical, emotional, and social reactions for children and young people. It can be very helpful for both parents to have an awareness and understanding of what that might look like in children and young people so that changes in behaviour can be met with insight, understanding, patience and reassurance.
It is important to highlight that these are generally temporary.
Possible Physical Reactions/Responses
- Stomach or head aches
- Knot in the stomach/feeling sick, nauseous
- Sore throat/dry mouth
- Loss of appetite or overeating
- Low energy levels
- Low concentration level
- Increased illnesses, colds and flu
- Weakness in the muscles – may find physical activities difficult
- Frequent accidents or injuries- distracted – bumping into things , tripping over things
- Frequent visits to the doctor
- Nightmares, dreams, sleep difficulty
Possible Emotional Responses
- Can need increased attention or connection with both parents
- Can be overly sensitive, easily frustrated, fight/argue easily
- Can feel insecure
- Can experience feelings of guilt, blame – if I had done/or not done xx or said/or not said xx this would not have happened.
- Can be fearful, angry, regretful, sadness, confused
- Feelings of loneliness, isolation, emptiness
- Concern about being treated differently
- Change in values, what is important- can be frustrated with ordinary concerns of peers
- Can be withdrawn, feel a sense of hopelessness, intense sadness
Key message: Look behind/beyond the behaviour – what lies underneath – feelings and emotions spilling out - a child/young person who is struggling with feelings and emotions
Possible Social Reactions/Responses
- Can be at times be over sensitive.
- Can be easily frustrated over small things - can struggle to take things in their stride as before
- Can at times have outbursts of strong feelings, feel overwhelmed
- Can be more aggressive, overreact often leading to “fights” with siblings or friends
- Can at times be non-compliant.
- Can be a change in relationship with teachers, friends, family members
- Can isolate or withdraw from friends and activities
Key message: Look behind/beyond the behaviour – what lies underneath – feelings and emotions spilling out - a child/young person who is struggling with feelings and emotions
In school – common responses
- Difficulty focusing and concentration – significant change and consequent feelings can be exhausting
- Can be forgetfulness, have memory loss
- Can struggle to concentrate resulting in falling grades, Incomplete work, or poor-quality work
- Some can strive to overachieve, trying to be perfect
- Inattentiveness, daydreaming, significant loss and change can be emotionally and psychologically draining.
Key Message: Children cannot focus or concentrate when struggling with significant life change – give it time and lots of patience, listening and reassurance
With their world view
- Anger with a higher being e.g. God
- Questions ‘why me? why my family? why now?’
- Questions about the meaning of life
- Confusion about where the person who has died is
- Feelings of abandonment and emptiness
- Doubting or questioning previous beliefs
- Seeing the future/life as meaningless
- Shattered dreams about the future
Changed Family circumstances including economic/social factors:
The parental separation/divorce can at times result in additional changes within a family, which in turn can further compound the impact of the separation/divorce for a child/young person.
- A family may have to sell their house and move house/location.
- Child/young person may have to move to a different school, leaving friends and familiar surroundings.
- Child or young person may not be able to engage in activities as previously.
- Child/young person may live with different family members or other main care givers
How the adults in a child’s life are coping themselves:
It is very natural that parents try and protect children and young people from the harsh reality of a separation/divorce. Parents and carers often try and mask, hide or minimise their own struggle in an attempt to protect their child/young person. This can result in a child or young person feeling that it is not okay to talk or ask question about what is happening or going to happen. Feelings can become hidden, buried, ignored by a child and young person which then impacts on how they react and respond to changing situations – often in a negative way.
When each parent can provide a nurturing, supportive and flexible space for a child/young person as everyone adjusts and adapts to significant change – that provides and contribute to a sense of security, trust and stability for a child/young person to enable them to emotionally and psychologically adjust to the new situations and routines.
We are acutely aware however, through the work of Rainbows that different barriers, challenges and complexities can and are often present when two parents separate or divorce. Research clearly highlights the negative impact that complex, ongoing situations can have on children and young people.
Children and young people thrive on the experiences of everyday calm, nurturing relationships with the key people in their lives. when this is not available to a child /young person, they live with uncertainty, worries and fears – often with no end often in sight.
We say this without judgement or criticism of any parent.
All children/young people response to a separation/divorce will be individual and unique:
All children and young people, like adults, have individual personalities, strengths and differences. Some children and young people can adapt, adjust and cope in difficult times and situations, while others may be more vulnerable and may need more support and nurturing. This is at the core of what it means to be human. Children and young people are no different. Each child even within a family and how they react to a parental separation or divorce will be different and unique to that child/young person.