Children between six and twelve years of age understand much more about death than younger children. They are beginning to recognise that death is permanent and cannot be reversed. However, they are still developing emotionally and may struggle to understand why the death happened or how it affects their future.
Drawing on almost four decades of listening to bereaved children and families, Rainbows Ireland has learned that children in this age group often have many questions, worries and fears that adults may never hear unless they create safe opportunities for conversation.
What You Might Notice
Children aged 6-12 may:
- Ask detailed questions about the death
- Worry about their own safety or the safety of other family members
- Become quiet or withdrawn
- Appear angry or irritable
- Experience difficulties concentrating at school
- Become more emotional than usual
- Complain of headaches or tummy aches
- Show changes in friendships or behaviour
Sometimes children look as though they are coping extremely well. However, grief can often be hidden beneath everyday behaviour. Rainbows encourages parents not to assume that a child is fine simply because they are not talking about their grief.
Understanding Secondary Losses
Children do not only grieve the person who died.
They may also grieve:
- Family routines
- Special traditions
- A parent’s availability
- Financial security
- Family celebrations
- Sporting activities they once shared
- A sense of normality
For many children, these secondary losses can be just as upsetting as the death itself.
How Parents Can Support
Create opportunities for conversation
Children often need permission to talk.
You might say:
- “I’ve been thinking about Dad today.”
- “I wonder if you’re missing Granny.”
- “It’s okay if you want to talk about what happened.”
Let them know they can speak openly without worrying about upsetting you.
Listen more than you speak
Many parents feel pressure to have the right answers.
In reality, children often need:
- Someone to listen
- Someone to acknowledge their feelings
- Someone to sit with their sadness
A simple response such as “That sounds really hard” can be incredibly powerful.
Help them understand emotions
Children may experience:
- Sadness
- Anger
- Relief
- Guilt
- Fear
- Loneliness
All of these feelings are valid. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Encourage connection
Children often benefit from spending time with:
- Extended family
- Friends
- Teachers
- Coaches
- Trusted adults
Research and experience consistently show the importance of “one good adult” who provides stability, care and understanding.
Remember together
Share stories and memories.
Children often gain comfort from knowing:
- What the person was like
- Funny family stories
- Their favourite sayings
- Their favourite songs, hobbies or traditions
Memories help children maintain an important connection with someone who remains part of their life story.
A Message for Parents
Your child may revisit their grief many times over the years. A loss experienced at eight years old will be understood differently at twelve, sixteen and twenty.
This is normal.
Children do not grieve once. They continue to make sense of their loss as they grow and develop. Your willingness to listen, talk and remember together can make all the difference.
Contact ask@rainbowsireland.ie for further support.