For almost 40 years, Rainbows Ireland has listened to children, young people and families as they navigate bereavement and significant loss. One of the most important lessons we have learned is that children grieve too, but they grieve differently from adults. Their understanding of death develops over time, and their grief will often reappear as they grow and make sense of their loss in new ways.
How Young Children Understand Death
Children under six years of age do not yet fully understand that death is permanent.
They may believe that the person who died is sleeping, has gone away, or will come back. As a result, they may ask the same questions repeatedly:
- “When is Daddy coming home?”
- “Can Granny come back tomorrow?”
- “Why can’t I see Mammy anymore?”
This is not because they have forgotten what they have been told. They are trying to make sense of something that is very difficult for their developing brains to understand.
What Grief Can Look Like
Young children often express grief through behaviour rather than words. Parents may notice:
- Clinginess or separation anxiety
- Sleep difficulties
- Changes in eating habits
- Temper tantrums
- Regression to earlier behaviours such as bedwetting or thumb sucking
- Increased fears or worries
- Repetitive play around themes of loss, hospitals, death or goodbye
These reactions are normal and often reflect a child’s attempt to understand and process what has happened.
How Parents Can Help
Use clear and simple language
Children understand language literally. It is important to use words such as:
“Grandad died.” “His body stopped working.” “He cannot come back.”
Avoid phrases such as:
- “Passed away”
- “Gone to sleep”
- “Lost”
These phrases can confuse young children and may create unnecessary fears.
Expect repeated questions
You may find yourself answering the same question many times. This is part of the child’s learning and understanding.
Respond calmly:
“Yes, Daddy died. I know you miss him. I’m here with you.”
Maintain routines
Following a bereavement, children may feel as though their world has become unpredictable. Consistent routines around meals, bedtime, childcare and family life help restore a sense of security. Rainbows’ experience shows that children need stability and predictability when life feels uncertain.
Let children play
Play is often how young children process grief. One minute they may be crying and the next they may be laughing and playing happily. This does not mean they have forgotten their loss. Children naturally move in and out of grief and everyday life.
Keep memories alive
Children can be afraid of forgetting someone they love. Looking at photographs, sharing stories, celebrating birthdays and creating a memory box can help maintain an ongoing connection with the person who died. Rainbows believes that healthy grieving involves carrying the relationship forward rather than forgetting it.
What Children Need Most
Above all, young children need:
- Love and reassurance
- Honest answers
- Predictable routines
- Opportunities to play
- Permission to talk about the person who died
- A caring adult who will listen
They do not need perfect answers. They need adults who are present, patient and willing to walk alongside them.
As one of the key lessons from Rainbows Ireland’s work reminds us, grief is not something children “get over”. They grow around it, revisit it, and slowly learn how to carry it as part of their story.
Contact ask@rainbowsireland.ie for further support.