What each parent can do to support their child/young person?

Message for parents:

Each separated or divorced parent is the main support for a child/young person experiencing a family change following separation or divorce. Grief, loss and change is part of the life experience – seeking external or professional support in the immediate aftermath is generally not necessary or required.

What is significant that a child/young person has the physical, emotional and psychological support, nurturing and care of the key adults in the aftermath of a parental separation or divorce.

Each parent, in the time you spend with your child/young person , connecting in and building on your relationship with your child/young person is the most normal, natural and caring way to support your child /young person at a very difficult time for you all.   Being there for them as they navigate and adjust to the changes taking place in monumental.

This can be very challenging for each parent separately following a separation/divorce.

Yet, as a Parents/Guardians/Main Carer – here you are on this website trying to inform yourself about how best to support a child/young person. You are truly amazing. Never underestimate your role as a parent and the difference you can make for your own child/young person. Reach in, be there, notice, tune in, connect in, create the safety for a child/open person to talk about  what has happened “I can see this is difficult for you ,would you like to talk about what it is like for you”.  It can be heart breaking for parents to see their child/young person in pain and struggling with strong emotions and feelings.

But also, it can be helpful to be aware – that children and young people in general –

• They are not sick.
• They do not need to go to a doctor.
• They do not need to go on the list to be assessed
• They do not need therapy or counselling
• They are … sad… lonely… confused… angry… scared … worried.
• They do not have the words to talk about what is happening for them.
• They do not know how or why they feel the way they do.
• They can think that they are the only one.
• They need you – your understanding …your acknowledgement … your support…your reassurance

What each parent can do to support their child/young person?

Be there: In those moments of intense feelings – sadness, upset, anger.  Stop what you are doing:  Sit with your child/young person.

Acknowledge: what you see and hear – “I can see you are upset”, “I can hear that you are angry” I will sit here beside/near you”.

Each and every time: your child/ young person has moments of intense feelings- repeat this process

It generally passes and child/young person will return to normal activity – Remember children and young people have spurts of intense feelings – all very common and normal.

Listen for meaning, to understand – with your eyes, ears and heart.

• To what may be going on for them,
• listen with your heart to what they may mean, what they may be feeling
• Listen(observe) to their body language – to what may not be said
• Don’t dismiss or try to change what they are feeling even though it may be hard for you as parents to hear them
• Keep familiar day to day routines going as much as possible – they are safe, consistent and can be comforting in their familiarity

Be alert and tune into a child’s /young person’s feelings and emotions consistently , their body language, maybe even what may not being said – chose a quiet time to revisit – e.g. “I noticed you seemed very quiet yesterday when we were talking about Grandad – how was that for you”

Watch for opportunities to help your child/young person to put words on what they may be feeling – very often, they may not have the words

Be patient, Be calm , Mind your tone of voice  –  Reach in –  children/young people may be reacting with aspects of changed behaviours – choose a quiet, calm moment later and revisit – I noticed you were very angry with me earlier when I asked you to get the shopping from the car”/pick up the toys/close the door/put the plate in the dishwasher …..?  How can I help? Is there anything we can do differently when you feel like that?

Special Occasions and events:

Family traditions are at the heart of family life – Christmas, Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Friday nights. Parental separation ad divorce changes those

traditions.

Special occasions and milestone events will happen – weddings , first communions, confirmations, other religious and cultural events , school concerts, sporting events,

We know from the work we do that children and young people worry and can become very anxious when a special time or event is looming –

• What will happen?
• What if there is a fight?
• What if people ignore each other?
• Where will people sit?
• You will I sit with ? Mam or Dad ?
• What if Mam or Dad are upset, get annoyed ?
• Can Dad be there?
• Can Mam be there?
• So many – What if? What if? and what if’s?

Our experience and with utmost respect to how difficult this may be for both parents – is that if both parents can Plan Ahead, Make a plan if possible in advance – Include your child/young person – Give them a voice, a choice – what would you like to do? What would you like to happen?

It diminishes or takes the anxiety and worry away – a child/young person can begin to look forward to the event instead of dreading what might or might not happen.

Mother’s day /Father’s Day

We know that for children and young people in separated, divorced situations that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this can be difficult and bring up strong and challenging emotions.

We know that most children/young people want to make contact with their parent on those days – a card, phone call, a small gift, time with them.  If circumstances allow, give your child/young person the permission to make the card, have contact with the other parent on the day to link in for the occasion.

Building new traditions and rituals around special occasions and events is a key factor of the adjustment to new normal, of building trust and security in the new ways post separation/divorce and hugely contributes to a child’s positive adjustment and coping.

Remember, changes you notice in how your child/young person   – is most likely a child/ young person being oversensitive, short tempered, frustrated with things that normally they would take in their stride, can indicate a child/young person is overwhelmed in those moments. Be patient – revisit with compassion and kindness – it will decrease over time and become less intense.

Change in the family following parental separation, divorce is a process of beginning to make sense of what happened, making sense of a new normal way of life, a process of adapting to new routines and situations in the aftermath of a separation/divorce.

It takes time, patience, understanding and being there when feelings are heightened – just being there – sitting with them, nodding, acknowledging those feelings that you see and hear in those difficult moments and times.

We know that it is so important that you do what you say you will do, for a child and young person – be on time, be consistent, follow through on what you said or promised – it all supports the rebuilding of a new normal ,the rebuilding of a sense of trust in their changed world.

It will be different for every child. Change and transition is not like flicking on a light switch – we know from the work we do – it takes children and young people a considerable time, effort and very often a struggle to begin to adapt and adjust to new and unfamiliar routines and situations.

Our strongest advice for both parents of a child or young person is to be there for every step of the adjustment with patience, with calmness , understanding from their perspective, their worldview,  ,how they feel and most especially communicating a sense of hope for the future – Yes, things are difficult now but it will work out, it will settle down, “you will be okay, we will be okay”.

The language of parental separation/divorce :

Children and young people are still acquiring the meaning and understanding of language, of words and concepts.

We know in particular that the words often used to describe separated families or families who have divorced can be upsetting and hurtful especially for children and young people.

Children and young people can feel a sense of stigma, a sense that their family does not measure up.

In particular, children and young people  belong to their family – but not to a family with a label

• NOT – Broken Home/Fractured Family
• NOT – Split Family
• NOT – Separated Family
• NOT – Stepfamily
• NOT – Blended Family
• NOT- Single Parent Family
• NOT- Divorced Family
• NOT – Nuclear Family
• NOT – Family of origin

Children want their family to be the same as everyone else.

In the Rainbows framework of support, we do not use legal terms. We strive to use child centred nurturing language.

• Time with Mam/Time with Dad
• Mam’s home /Dad’s home NOT Access or Custody or Visits or Overnights
• Sister NOT half/stepsister, Brother NOT half/stepbrother

When Professional support may be considered? 

If you have a concern about any issue in relation to your child or young person that is persistent, repeated over time, interrupts or hinders some aspect of a child/young person’s everyday living  and/or is a cause of worry to you as a parent guardian, main career – consult with you G.P.