What can help - Bereavement
Parents/Guardians/Carers, a heartfelt message to you
Nothing anyone can do or say can take away the pain of the death of someone that was loved – there are no words, no book, no activity, no formula, no resource that can make things okay in the aftermath of a significant death.
You are the main support for a child/young person experiencing a death. Grief and loss is part of the life experience – seeking external or professional support in the immediate aftermath is generally not necessary or required.
What is significant is that a bereaved child/young person has the support and care of key adults in the aftermath of a death.
You, yourself by your caring, constant presence, connecting in and building on your relationship with your child/young person with understanding is the most normal, natural and caring way to support child /young person at a very difficult time for you all.
This can be very challenging for any parent/guardian/main carer. It is most likely that you are bereaved also at the same time.
Yet, as a Parents/Guardians/Main Carer – here you are on this website trying to inform yourself about how best to support a child/young person. You are truly amazing. Never underestimate your role and the difference you can make for your own child/young person. Reach in, be there, notice, connect in, create the openness for a child/open person to talk about the person “I can see this is difficult for you, would you like to talk about what it is like for you”
Death and dying area natural part of life – it can be heart breaking for parents, guardians and carers to see their child/young person in pain and struggling with strong emotions and feelings.
But also, it can be helpful to be aware – that children and young people in general –
- They are not sick.
- They do not need to go to a doctor.
- They do not need to go on the list to be assessed
- They do not need therapy or counselling
- They are … sad… lonely… confused… angry… scared … worried.
- They do not have the words to talk about what is happening for them.
- They do not know how or why they feel the way they do.
- They can think that they are the only one.
- They need you – your understanding …your acknowledgement … your support…your reassurance
Be there: In those moments of intense feelings – sadness, upset, anger. Stop what you are doing: Sit with your child/young person.
Acknowledge: what you see and hear – “I can see you are upset”, “I can hear that you are angry” I will sit here beside/near you”.
Each and every time: your child/ young person has moments of intense feelings- repeat this process
It generally passes and child/young person will return to normal activity – Remember children and young people have spurts of intense feelings – all very common and normal.
Listen for meaning, to understand – with your eyes, ears and heart.
- To what may be going on for them,
- listen with your heart to what they may mean, what they may be feeling
- Listen(observe) to their body language – to what may not be said
- Don’t dismiss or try to change what they are feeling even though it may be hard for you as parents to hear them
- Listen for meaning, with your eyes, ears and heart
- Keep familiar day to day routines going as much as possible – they are safe, consistent and can be comforting in their familiarity
- Be alert and tune into a child’s /young person’s feelings and emotions consistently , their body language, maybe even what may not being said – chose a quiet time to revisit – e.g. “I noticed you seemed very quiet yesterday when we were talking about Grandad – how was that for you”
- Help your child/young person to put words on what they may be feeling – very often, they may not have the words
- Be patient – children/young people may be reacting with aspects of changed behaviours – choose a quiet, calm moment later and revisit – I noticed you were very angry with me earlier when I asked you to get the shopping from the car”/pick up the toys/close the door/put the plate in the dishwasher …..? How can I help? Is there anything we can do differently when you feel like that?
“Remember, changed behaviour – a child/ young person being oversensitive, short tempered, frustrated with things that normally they would take in their stride, can indicate a child/young person is overwhelmed in those moments. Be patient – revisit with compassion and kindness – it will decrease over time and become less intense.
Special Occasions and events:
Family traditions are at the heart of family life – Christmas, Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Friday nights. Parental separation and divorce changes those
traditions.
Special occasions and milestone events will happen – weddings , first communions, confirmations, other religious and cultural events , school concerts, sporting events,
We know from the work we do that children and young people can worry and can become very anxious when a special time or event is looming –
Being acutely aware that the person that died will no longer be there?
Wondering how the special occasion can go ahead as previously without the person?
Our experience Plan Ahead, Make a plan if possible in advance – Include your child/young person – Give them a voice, a choice – what would you like to do? What would you like to happen?
It diminishes or takes the anxiety and worry away – a child/young person can begin to look forward to the event instead of dreading what might or might not happen.
Mother’s day /Father’s Day
We know that for children and young people whose parent has died that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this can be difficult and bring up strong and challenging emotions.
It can be very supportive to ask a child/young person in advance would they like to do something and if so what would they like to do or make to remember their parent.
Building new traditions and rituals around special occasions and events is a key factor of the adjustment to new normal, of building trust and security in the new ways post separation/divorce and hugely contributes to a child’s positive adjustment and coping.
Remember, changes you notice in how your child/young person – is most likely a child/ young person being oversensitive, short tempered, frustrated with things that normally they would take in their stride, can indicate a child/young person is overwhelmed in those moments. Be patient – revisit with compassion and kindness – it will decrease over time and become less intense.
Change in the family following a death a process of beginning to make sense of what happened, making sense of a new normal without the person that died, a process of adapting to new routines without that person.
It takes time, patience, understanding and being there when feelings are heightened – just being there – sitting with them, nodding, acknowledging those feelings that you see and hear in those difficult moments and times.
Grief is a process of making sense of what happened, making sense of a new normal way of life without their special person.
It is not about moving on or getting over the death or going through different steps or stages.
Children and young people need to be supported to remember, to be able to talk say their name and talk openly about the times with their time and occasions together and what their special person meant to them. The person that has died is an integral part of who children are and will be. The relationship they had, what that person meant to a child or young person will remain. They will visit and revisit the relationship through their memories as they adapt to life without the person.
Memory Box/Book/Photo album:
In the Rainbows programme, we introduce the idea of a Memory Box (originated from Winston’s Wish in the U.K. a children bereavement service).
We invite children/young people to think of things they could collect belonging to their special person who has died.
A Memory box/a Photo book can provide
- A space to gather items that tell the story of who the person was and the story of their time together
- A process that supports children and young people to remember and honour the special relationship with the person – what the person meant to them
- Children & young people are often fearful of forgetting
- Memories are the treasures that we carry with us forever – they are part of who we are
- Be aware that not all children/young people have happy memories
- Allow a child/young person to choose what they would like to keep in the Memory Box
Note: Be aware that not all memories are good or happy – indeed some can be traumatic and very painful – if a child/young person indicates that – acknowledge it – “I am really sad to hear that” –– “Would you like us to talk about that?” If a child/young person says no – respect that
The language of death, grief and loss:
Children and young people are still acquiring the meaning and understanding of language, of words and concepts.
Children and young people can regularly misinterpret words and language and take literal meaning from words we say as adults.
For example, some people might say some of the following (or similar ) with very good intentions and a kind heart trying to offer comfort or consolation but each and every one can be misunderstood and be a cause of fear/worry/confusion for a child/young person.
- An angel in heaven
- A star in the sky
- Suffering is over
- He/she is looking down on you – children can be scared of this as they take it literally
- He/she will be with us on the big day
- He / She was taken too soon
- Gone to a better place
- You will meet up again
- He / She had a good life
- Taken too soon
- God needed an extra angel in heaven
- You’re the man of the house now
- You have to be good for your Mammy
- You have to mind your Mammy/Daddy now
Acknowledge and validate what has happened to a child – do not expect a response
- “ I am very sad to hear that your x has died”
- “I knew your x ,he/she was a lovely person”
- “I will be thinking of him/her”
When Professional support may be considered?
If you have a concern about any issue in relation to your child or young person that is persistent, repeated over time, interrupts or hinders some aspect of a child/young person’s everyday living and/or is a cause of worry to you as a parent guardian, main career – consult with you G.P.